Do you get excited when you are scrolling through Facebook and that navy bar appears saying “See your memories”? Oh, I do! I can’t wait to see what pops up. Silly things my kids said or did, a fun family vacation that we kept in our digital journal, pictures that bring a smile, a memory that I hadn’t thought about in years.
At least until September rolls around, and that is when I start to hesitate. As soon as the calendar rolls over into September it’s like my whole body knows. My emotions are a little closer to the surface. The tears brim over in my eyes when I least expect it. I find myself more tired than usual.
Grief fatigue.
It’s a thing. September holds the last couple of months we shared with Joshua. It means that October is coming, and I need to brace myself. Pictures that brought smiles during other months are more likely to bring tears as my body remembers those last few memories we would ever make with Joshua.
They remind me of a time that seemed so long ago. We were all different people then. As I read them, I often wonder, would we have done anything differently if we had known what was coming. Would we have saved more memories on Facebook or been too busy living to post anything?
Would Joshua have done anything differently if he had known that his time on earth was coming to an end?
“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13 (NIV)
Do not be mistaken. We grieve. The difference is that we grieve with hope. Just because I know what awaits me when I leave this earth, doesn’t mean that I do not still experience sadness. Just because I know that my son is safely tucked away where satan can’t get to him, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him. I think about him everyday. I wonder how life would be different. I wonder where he would be living and what he would be doing. Would he have become a minister as he hoped? Would he have already found the one whom his soul loves? So many unfulfilled expectations and unanswered questions.
While I wonder, I also praise God for the promise of Heaven and the reunion that awaits. I praise Him for a Son who willingly sacrificed Himself to give us that promise of Heaven. I praise Him for all the promises in scripture that I know will be fulfilled.
I also praise Him for the wonderful people that surround me. Those who still continue to talk about Joshua. Those who aren’t bothered when I talk about him or share the same story over and over again. I don’t get to make new memories. I only have the old ones to cling to.
As October looms closer with each passing day, I will continue to look forward to that navy bar in my Facebook feed. The memories taste so sweet even when they bring tears.
With Eyes on the Cross 