Tag: love

Perspective

The night that my life changed forever, so did my perspective. When Joshua didn’t return from his run, I texted him. Almost immediately, it showed up as “read”. I thought he had probably stopped at a neighbor’s house to talk to them, but then he didn’t respond to my text. So, I sent another one. When Joshua didn’t read or respond to that one, Michael and I went to look for him. As we drove his route, I called his phone. First, from my phone, then from Michael’s. Over and over again. I probably called his phone 16 times before we came up on the police. We pulled over to the side and told them that our son had gone out for a run and hadn’t come home. One of the officers told us that a young man had been taken to the hospital. That’s all he said. Then, he handed us Joshua’s phone. I don’t remember anything about that officer. I only remember seeing Joshua’s phone in his hand. 

We were so focused on getting to the hospital that it never occurred to me to ask why he didn’t answer the phone. I had called repeatedly from two different phones as we drove that 2.43 miles from our house to where Joshua was found. 

Later, when I was processing everything, I became angry at that police officer. The one I don’t remember. The one whose name I don’t even know. Why didn’t he just answer the phone and tell us what was going on? I had texted, I had called. He was the one who had read the first text because Joshua was already on his way to the hospital at that point. Why did that police officer wait until we got there? Why didn’t he just answer the phone?

After Joshua passed away, after we celebrated his life, after everyone went back home, and we were learning how to be a family of three, Elizabeth brought Joshua’s phone to me and said, “You aren’t going to believe what I found.” 

She showed me Joshua’s list of contacts. He had my number saved in his phone as “She who gave me life” and Michael’s number saved as “The bald guy.” It’s okay to take a moment to laugh. I’m laughing even as I am writing this. If you knew Joshua, he had quite the sense of humor!

My very next thought was, “that poor police officer.” Can you imagine what it must have been like to stand on the side of the road where an as yet unidentified 16-year-old was found unconscious, and his phone keeps lighting up with the words, “She who gave me life” or “The bald guy.” Over and over again. And, just when it stops ringing, it starts again. I can’t even imagine what he must have been thinking. I could no longer be angry with him. Instead, I felt sadness and compassion for what must have been a struggle for him. New information had given me a new perspective.

The Bible doesn’t specifically address perspective; however, it does address judging others and what it means to love others. 

By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35

What does loving one another look like?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

There is one phrase in this passage that I believe speaks to perspective and two that speak to our reactions. Let’s look at the perspective one first: “love is kind.” Love believes the best about others. In other words, it gives the benefit of the doubt. It believes that people are doing the best they can and making the best decisions that they can for themselves and their families. It believes that maybe I don’t have all of the information and that is why I see the situation differently and think that I would have made a different decision. 

Our reactions speak to our love for others. Love “does not act unbecomingly” and “does not take into account a wrong suffered.” Love doesn’t respond with criticism, harsh words, or judgment. It doesn’t believe that everything that happens around me requires my approval. It chooses to accept that people make decisions we don’t agree with because they have reasons or information that we don’t have or know. 

I wish that I knew that police officer’s name. I wish that I could have a cup of coffee with him and tell him that I am so sorry for what he had to face that night. I wish I could share some stories about Joshua, about the life he lived. I wish that night, I could have eased some of the angst he must have felt as he held that phone the entire time I was calling. I also wish I could tell him thank you for all that he did.

That one event completely changed what I think and how I respond when someone handles a situation differently than I think I would have handled it. Everyday, we make the choice to judge or to show love. The truth is we don’t know everything, nor do we need to know everything to be loving. It’s a choice we make multiple times a day. In a time when people are so quick to lash out with anger and harsh words, I pray that we can be the type of people to show love and kindness even when we don’t understand or don’t agree.

A Nation Divided

I have so many words bouncing around in my head, that I don’t even know where to start. When I am discouraged or concerned about things going on around me, I go for a run. It helps me to untangle all of the knots. So, yesterday after school, I ran, and I did a lot of thinking. The conclusion I reached is that satan is probably the happiest person on the planet right now. Look at the division, the hatred, the unrest that he has caused in our nation.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Unfortunately, he has turned us against each other. He is devouring us. There isn’t anything that he could have done that is more powerful than making us hate each other. Democrats believe that Republicans are the enemy. Republicans believe that Democrats are the enemy. Neither is true. My friends and family range from far left to far right. Some of us have great discussions because we seek to listen, not to be heard. We don’t agree on everything. I have some friends who have explained to me why they believe what they believe, and I still struggle to understand. I am sure they feel the same about me. They voted differently than I did. I love and adore them. They are not my enemy.

I have other friends who post things like “If you voted for (fill in the blank), just unfriend me now.” I haven’t unfriended them, and they are not the enemy. They have reasons and experiences for voting the way they did. My reasons and experiences are different. That doesn’t make us enemies.

Our country is so divided right now. If I am not mistaken, this may be the closest presidential election in the history of our nation. Regardless of who wins, it will be by such a small margin that half of our nation will not get the candidate they voted for. Many states have been won by less than a 1% margin, the difference of a few thousand votes. Sadly, that pits neighbor against neighbor, family member against family member, friend against friend. We are a nation divided. Like I said, satan is probably the happiest person on the planet.

Even more unfortunate, the issues that we are facing right now can’t be solved by legislation. We can’t legislate kindness, love and compassion. It is a heart issue. It doesn’t matter who becomes president, that person will not be able to change hearts. There is only one who can do that.

Christ came to this earth to teach by example. And what greater example of love is there than sitting around a table eating with the very one who was going to put into action His crucifixion. He knew that Judas would betray Him, yet Judas had a seat at the table where he ate with the rest of the apostles. If Christ can sit at the table with the very one who betrayed Him, I can love my neighbor despite how he or she voted.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34-35

Not just those we agree with or those we like; we are to love everyone the way Christ loved us. He loved us so much that He went to the cross so that we could have eternal salvation.

How much would our nation change if we all united against what satan is doing to us and could show love to one another? We, the people, have to power to effect so much more change than any president could ever hope to do. Legislation is not the answer. We are. We have the power to show love to those who think and believe differently than we do. We have the power to unite our country through love, compassion, and kindness. What are we waiting for?

Loving the Grieving

A loved one dies, hordes of people descend on the family with food, paper products and promises of being there if the family needs anything. And they mean it. They truly want to help. What you are signing up for is no easy task. Those who are grieving are complicated. They are moody. They do not always know what they need until five minutes after they need it. And even if they were cognizant enough to reach out, they don’t remember who offered nor do they have the energy to call someone and ask for help.

“Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is okay, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.” (Unknown)

If ministering to the grieving is something you feel led to do, I applaud you! It is difficult and most likely will be a thankless job for a while. Not because those who are grieving are not grateful, but because they just can’t process everything the way they did before. People who are grieving feel as though they are walking around in a dense fog wearing 100 pound weights on both arms and legs. The daily tasks that used to come so easily, now take more than twice the effort. 

The first several months after our son died, I would ask myself, “What is the next thing I need to do?” Sometimes, it was a small task like putting a load of laundry in the washing machine. Sometimes it was bigger like handling the paperwork that comes with death. But that one thing was the only thing that I could focus on at the moment. 

Before his death, I could multitask; I could even plan meals in advance. After his death, I could not even think about what to make for dinner until it was literally dinnertime. Trying to schedule our dental cleaning appointments months in advance was nearly impossible. 

Those who are grieving typically don’t want to carry their burden alone nor do they want to burden others with their pain. However, if you ask them, “How are you?” They will test the waters to see what you mean by that. They may respond with, “It’s been a tough week. How are you?” Your response will determine how much they share with you. If you say, “Oh my goodness, I know” and start to list all of the stress that you have had the last few days, they will listen. They will then say something along the lines of, “I hope your week gets better,” and they will move on. They won’t burden you.

People who are grieving don’t have the energy to have the “my week was worse than your week” competition. They struggle with small talk and are often looking for those who want to have deeper conversations. Conversations about wrestling with faith while struggling to understand God’s plan.

If however, you respond with, “I’m so sorry you have had a tough week. Would you like to talk about it,” you will have just touched the heart of someone who is very broken and your interest in sharing their burden will be a blessing to them.

Please understand, you will not be judged or criticized for your response. Those who are grieving have very different perspectives on life that they didn’t have before. Their grief is such a weight that it becomes their focus while they are looking for answers. I had just watched my son take his last breath. Until doctors pronounced him, I believed with all my heart that God was going to heal him. I couldn’t understand why He didn’t. It was absolutely the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. My entire life had changed. It took months to process. 

Grieving is a long and complicated process. If you choose to walk alongside someone who is grieving, do not be surprised at the length of time your friend will need to even start healing. And, please understand, that most likely, they will never be the same person they were before their loss.

I was very much an extrovert before our son died. However, after his death, I developed many introverted tendencies. I used to recharge with people, but now, I need more time alone. I dreaded social gatherings because they required small talk. I could not small talk anymore. I was so focused on trying not to cry in public, I was unable to muster the pleasantries that society expects. Even more challenging is the fact that most small talk centers on family. My family was broken, hurting, just trying to hold the pieces together.

“Grief only exists where love lived first.” We grieve hard because we love hard. Life will not be the same after losing someone special. It changes. We change. We will never move on, but we learn to move forward. To those around us, it may seem like it has been a long time, but to those who are grieving it is a giant they fight every single day.

If you still want to help those who are grieving, I pray God’s blessings on you. While it may be incredibly difficult for awhile, know that one day that fog will start to clear, and they will be eternally grateful to you for all that you have done. You will be their hero.