Tag: Heaven

Eight Years and Learning

Joshua ran about this earth for 16 years. I say ran because “walked” sounds slow and without intent. He seemed to be everywhere all at the same time grinning that big ole grin of his and exuding love. He ran ahead to Heaven eight years ago today. It is so hard and God is so incredibly good.

At almost every gathering of bereaved parents the conversation turns to comments people make like “It’s been 6 months or it’s been 3 years, when are you going to get over this? When are you going to be back to your old self?” We have been so blessed to not hear those words until recently, when I began to say them to myself. Here we are eight years out, and I am wondering why this day is still challenging. Shouldn’t I be able to face it without all the emotions? Shouldn’t I be “over it” by now?

Even after eight years, I’m still learning about grief. The way it hits at the most inopportune times. The way it doesn’t care about my schedule. The way it blindsides me when I least expect it. The way it always comes around at certain times of the year. One of the things that I have learned is that we grieve deeply because we love deeply. Our lives forever changed the day that Joshua ran ahead to Heaven.

I’m also still learning about the faithfulness of God. Eight years, and He is still providing. Sometimes He provides a little extra time for me to hang out in a blanket of sadness when I need it. Sometimes, He provides a friend who digs a little deeper when I say I am fine. Sometimes, He provides the distractions that I need to keep my mind busy (like terrifying rollercoasters in the dark). Sometimes, He provides little coincidences that aren’t coincidences at all. Are you seeing the pattern? He always provides something, and it is always exactly what I need.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

There are certain days that will always be challenging. A friend reminded me recently that we celebrate the important days that impact us like birthdays and anniversaries – the days that mark significant changes in our lives. It only makes sense that we would also remember difficult days that have had an impact on us. So, the answer is no, I will never “get over” Joshua’s death. I will also probably never be the same person that I was the day before he collapsed. And that is okay.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently, Romans 8:25

Our earthly lives must continue while we wait to be reunited in Heaven with those we love. Not only must they continue, we must find the purpose and the joy in them, while we wait to be reunited. There are seasons that we embrace with excitement. We are about to enter the wondrous adventure of being grandparents. We are both elated and sad. There will always be an Uncle Joshua sized void this side of Heaven. (He would have been such a cool uncle). That’s why grieving parents never “get back to normal” and never stop grieving. There are always new chapters of life that make them wonder how things might have been different. 

That’s also why we continue to cling to God. He is continually mending our broken hearts. He is continually sheltering us in His wings. He is continually fighting with us and providing what we need. And while we can’t control what happens on this earth, we can control where we go for eternity. God will redeem every shed tear. He will redeem every missed moment. He will redeem every bit of sadness and heartache for all eternity. His mercies are new every morning!

Eight years out and still learning so much. Most importantly, I’m learning how good and how faithful God is all the time.

Living Between Two Worlds

Do you ever feel like you are caught between two worlds? The one where you are living and the one where you belong?

You are.

In Genesis when God created man and woman, He placed them in a garden and walked with them in the cool of the day. Did you catch that? We were created for garden living. We were created to walk with God. Sadly, that beautiful garden living was ruined in chapter three when Adam and Eve chose to eat the forbidden fruit. No longer could a sinful creation live with a perfect God. Man was cast out of the garden, and God has been trying to bring us all back to Him since that day. This earth is our temporary home. We don’t belong here. We truly are foreigners here. Our citizenship is in Heaven. 

“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself.”  Philippians 3:20-21

I’m ashamed to admit that before my son died, I didn’t think much about Heaven. I knew about it, and I wanted to go there sometime way in the future when I was very old and couldn’t take care of myself anymore. That was about it. It’s interesting how a single life experience can change us. Now, I dream about it. I imagine what it might be like. I long for it. I anticipate it the way a kid anticipates Christmas. My heart yearns for it.

It is hard to eagerly wait for something that we can’t see and don’t understand. Scripture is limited in its description of Heaven, which is challenging for me. I want to know everything about it now as I pass through Earth. While there is so much we don’t know about Heaven, we can know with certainty that it is the place we can look forward to, a place we strive for each and every day. It is the place that God has prepared for those who love Him. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

If I am being honest, I love to think about what it will be like when we get to Heaven. Look around at the beauty of the creation where we live. Our Father is imaginative and creative and has designed a place for us to spend eternity with Him that is so beyond what our human minds can fathom.

I believe it delights God when we get excited about our eternal home.  I have even shared with Him a few things that I hope we will get to see and do in Heaven. One thing I know without a doubt is that it is going to be so incredibly perfect that not for a second will I miss earth or wish that Heaven were any different. 

Until God calls us from our temporary home to our eternal home, I pray we can live out the words of Romans 8:25 “But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.” I pray that you are persevering in your walk with our Father and eagerly awaiting the eternal home that He has lovingly designed and created for each one of us. We have such hope to share with those around us while we are waiting to be called home.

Heaven’s Newspaper

“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” I have never personally walked down the street and heard those words, but I have seen it play out enough in movies to understand the context! Let’s sell the latest news! Let us tell you about the latest tragedy, criminal activity or disaster that is going to leave you feeling lost, overwhelmed and riddled with anxiety about the future.

I was thinking the other day, what if a newspaper was dropped at God’s feet every day that recounted our actions from the previous day. Would we be proud for our Creator to read how we spent our time and money? Would we wish that we had been more urgent and more intentional about sharing Christ with someone we knew or someone we just met? Would we want our activities to make the front page of “Heaven’s Daily”?

There are many ways for us to share our faith while living for Christ and because we are all different, there is no right or wrong way. Some are extroverts – they live their faith out loud and boldly. They create opportunities to share about Jesus. Others are introverts – they are quieter, with actions that are more subtle, but nonetheless effective. They make a difference with what the world might view as insignificant opportunities. 

What if a newspaper was delivered to Heaven each morning? What would you want written about you? Would it say that you used your gifts to serve and glorify God?

I don’t care if my actions get coverage on earth, but I definitely want to be on the front page of God’s newspaper. Every time I allow myself to be His vessel and spread His love, God sees it. Every time I don’t, God sees that too. 

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3:23

Today is Hard

About this time last year, a heavy rain stick fell off the window sill in my classroom and hit my foot. I expected it to bruise, but it didn’t. In fact, there wasn’t a mark at all, nor did it have any impact on my ability to walk. But occasionally, when I moved a certain way, it would twinge a bit and remind me. 

Six years ago, my heart was hit hard and ripped to pieces. Slowly, very slowly, the pieces have healed a bit but not without leaving scars and a bruise – that can’t be seen. Most days, it doesn’t affect my daily activities. Other days, I hear a song, come across a photo or a particular date pops up on the calendar, and my heart feels the pain all over again. 

Today is one of those days. It is a hard day. My heart is heavy. I am sad. Six years ago today, our son went out for a run. Instead of coming back to us, he ran home – straight through those Pearly Gates. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of him. I often wonder what he would be doing, where he would be living and if he might have already found the one whom his soul loves.

Just like today, it was a Tuesday. That makes it a little harder. The last couple of weeks I have relived everything that happened. Shopping for a suit for homecoming, mom’s surgery, the band trip to Atlanta, all of the text messages we exchanged while he was looking for the perfect gifts to bring home from his trip. We had no idea what was coming. We won’t get to make more memories or take more photos, so I hold on to the ones that I have.

Today, my heart feels that pain again. Today I will seek comfort from the One who provides a peace that passes understanding and I will cling to His promises.

The righteous cry, and the Lord hears And delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

He hears me when I cry out to Him. 

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8

He has caught my tears in a bottle. Not a single one has been wasted or gone unnoticed.

The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

He is with me every step of the way. I am never alone. 

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

My Heavenly Father, the One who created me, knows exactly what I need today. He knows even before I do, and He will provide. 

Yes, today is hard. I’m sure the tears will sit a little closer to the eyes. I will try not to cry. It makes others uncomfortable, but the truth is, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to hide at home and cry. That isn’t possible, so I will do my best to limit the tears, reminding myself that this sorrow won’t last for eternity. Tomorrow will be a new day. And I will be one day closer to spending an eternity in Heaven with the One who created me, the One who saved me and the sweet boy that I miss so much. 

What promise from God are you clinging to today?

Facebook Memories – the Blessing and the Curse

Do you get excited when you are scrolling through Facebook and that navy bar appears saying “See your memories”? Oh, I do! I can’t wait to see what pops up. Silly things my kids said or did, a fun family vacation that we kept in our digital journal, pictures that bring a smile, a memory that I hadn’t thought about in years.

At least until September rolls around, and that is when I start to hesitate. As soon as the calendar rolls over into September it’s like my whole body knows. My emotions are a little closer to the surface. The tears brim over in my eyes when I least expect it. I find myself more tired than usual.

Grief fatigue.

It’s a thing. September holds the last couple of months we shared with Joshua. It means that October is coming, and I need to brace myself. Pictures that brought smiles during other months are more likely to bring tears as my body remembers those last few memories we would ever make with Joshua.

They remind me of a time that seemed so long ago. We were all different people then. As I read them, I often wonder, would we have done anything differently if we had known what was coming. Would we have saved more memories on Facebook or been too busy living to post anything?

Would Joshua have done anything differently if he had known that his time on earth was coming to an end?

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13 (NIV)

Do not be mistaken. We grieve. The difference is that we grieve with hope. Just because I know what awaits me when I leave this earth, doesn’t mean that I do not still experience sadness. Just because I know that my son is safely tucked away where satan can’t get to him, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him. I think about him everyday. I wonder how life would be different. I wonder where he would be living and what he would be doing. Would he have become a minister as he hoped? Would he have already found the one whom his soul loves? So many unfulfilled expectations and unanswered questions.

While I wonder, I also praise God for the promise of Heaven and the reunion that awaits. I praise Him for a Son who willingly sacrificed Himself to give us that promise of Heaven. I praise Him for all the promises in scripture that I know will be fulfilled.

I also praise Him for the wonderful people that surround me. Those who still continue to talk about Joshua. Those who aren’t bothered when I talk about him or share the same story over and over again. I don’t get to make new memories. I only have the old ones to cling to.

As October looms closer with each passing day, I will continue to look forward to that navy bar in my Facebook feed. The memories taste so sweet even when they bring tears.