faith – With Eyes on the Cross

Glimmers of Hope

In his book, Through the Eyes of a Lion, Levi Lusko calls grief an endurance sport. Nothing could be more accurate. I have run many sprints during my earthly life – the challenges of finishing school and graduating, the hunt for a job, the break-ups, financial struggles, illnesses, recovery from a surgery. Unlike all of those events that had a start and end time, grief is different. It has a start time. There is a dot on a timeline where my life changed in an instant. But it doesn’t have an end time. At least not here.

There will not come a day this side of Heaven, that I will round that last turn to give it one more big push, cross the finish line, wipe the sweat from my forehead and boldly proclaim that I have overcome my grief. It isn’t something that is overcome, it is something that is endured. As long as I live, I will miss Joshua. I will miss him during the big moments in life and in small random moments. Not because I am wallowing in self-pity, but because he was supposed to be here. My future included him. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Now that we are all sufficiently depressed, is there anything that I can do about it? Yes!

They say that knowledge is power. I have the knowledge that I am going to grieve losing him for the rest of my life, so I also have the power to make choices as to what I do with this grief.

I could stay home whine, be bitter, and sad the rest of my life. Trust me, there are days that option is so incredibly tempting.

Or, I could share our story. Not for sympathy or pity. Not to compete with others to see whose story is worse. Instead, I could share our story so that others see Jesus because Jesus is where we find out hope! Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is filled with agony and broken spirits. They are also filled with God’s goodness and blessings. They are filled with His mighty power. They are filled with His promises.

Our stories bring glimmers of hope. And there is nothing more powerful than the tiniest glimmer of hope. Hope can give our heart the desire to keep pressing forward. It can give our bodies a bit more energy to do the next thing. It can lift our spirits enough to see that the sun is still rising every morning and God still sits on the throne of Heaven.

Your story may not be grief. It may be chronic illness, abuse, mental health. Whatever adversity you have overcome, when you tell your story someone hears about Jesus. And that is where they find their own hope. That hope gives them the strength to persevere.

I pray you find opportunities to share your story today so that others may see Jesus and find the tiniest glimmer of hope to cling to.

To Whom Shall I Go?

Have you ever come across a scripture that you know you have read a million times, and this time it’s different, it hits you, hard, and you realize that you get it?

The sixth chapter of John starts by telling us about all of the people who were following Jesus because of the miracles that He was performing. They were watching Him as He went about healing the sick. As the crowd is gathering, Jesus shows compassion for their physical needs and feeds them. He fed all five thousand of them with five small loaves of bread and two small fish. Not only did everyone get their fill, there were twelve baskets of leftovers. That very evening, Jesus walks on water.

The next day the crowd follows Him all the way to Capernaum. They want to know how to do the work that God requires. They want a sign, like the manna from Heaven that was given to their forefathers. Jesus tries to explain to them that He is the bread of life. They are so focused on the physical, they completely miss the point. Jesus is offering them something eternal, something so much better than manna.

Do you know what many of the disciples said, “This statement is very unpleasant; who can listen to it?” (John 6:60) And then, they left. They walked away. They walked away from Jesus the day after He miraculously fed them all because they thought that what He was teaching was too hard.

Jesus turned to the twelve and asked “You do not want to leave too, do you?” (v. 67). Simon Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

Can you see the puzzled look on Simon Peter’s face as he turns to Jesus to answer this question? Can you feel the burden in his heart?

I had never understood Peter before. My head got it. Now, my heart feels it, in every tiny crevice. I feel what he is saying. To whom shall I go?

During those long months when I wrestled with God over the death of our son. When I poured out my heart begging to understand why this had to be the plan, it didn’t occur to me to walk away from God. Where would I go? There is no one else who understands the way that God understands. There is no one else who can comfort the way God can comfort.

I wrestled with God. The very scripture that God gave us to bring us comfort, I spewed back at Him as I told Him that it wasn’t comforting. I showed Him the flaw in His plan. I freely shared with Him all of the things that He could have done differently to change the outcome. My heart was shattered.

Do you know what God did? He listened. He held me in my pain. He brought me comfort in ways that I could have never imagined – through songs, through family and friends, through memories, through others who were walking the same journey. He waited patiently while I grieved. Do you know what He didn’t do? He never walked away from me. He never left me to grieve alone.

If God isn’t going to walk away from me during my darkest times, how could I walk away from Him? I will probably never understand this side of Heaven why Joshua died so young. What I do know is that in all things, in all seasons of life, God is faithful. I know that one day, my time on this earth will also come to an end. On that day, my faith shall be my sight. On that day, I will join my Savior in Heaven and be reunited with my son where we will spend all of eternity together without any tears, without any sorrow. What a glorious day that will be!

Eight Years and Learning

Joshua ran about this earth for 16 years. I say ran because “walked” sounds slow and without intent. He seemed to be everywhere all at the same time grinning that big ole grin of his and exuding love. He ran ahead to Heaven eight years ago today. It is so hard and God is so incredibly good.

At almost every gathering of bereaved parents the conversation turns to comments people make like “It’s been 6 months or it’s been 3 years, when are you going to get over this? When are you going to be back to your old self?” We have been so blessed to not hear those words until recently, when I began to say them to myself. Here we are eight years out, and I am wondering why this day is still challenging. Shouldn’t I be able to face it without all the emotions? Shouldn’t I be “over it” by now?

Even after eight years, I’m still learning about grief. The way it hits at the most inopportune times. The way it doesn’t care about my schedule. The way it blindsides me when I least expect it. The way it always comes around at certain times of the year. One of the things that I have learned is that we grieve deeply because we love deeply. Our lives forever changed the day that Joshua ran ahead to Heaven.

I’m also still learning about the faithfulness of God. Eight years, and He is still providing. Sometimes He provides a little extra time for me to hang out in a blanket of sadness when I need it. Sometimes, He provides a friend who digs a little deeper when I say I am fine. Sometimes, He provides the distractions that I need to keep my mind busy (like terrifying rollercoasters in the dark). Sometimes, He provides little coincidences that aren’t coincidences at all. Are you seeing the pattern? He always provides something, and it is always exactly what I need.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

There are certain days that will always be challenging. A friend reminded me recently that we celebrate the important days that impact us like birthdays and anniversaries – the days that mark significant changes in our lives. It only makes sense that we would also remember difficult days that have had an impact on us. So, the answer is no, I will never “get over” Joshua’s death. I will also probably never be the same person that I was the day before he collapsed. And that is okay.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently, Romans 8:25

Our earthly lives must continue while we wait to be reunited in Heaven with those we love. Not only must they continue, we must find the purpose and the joy in them, while we wait to be reunited. There are seasons that we embrace with excitement. We are about to enter the wondrous adventure of being grandparents. We are both elated and sad. There will always be an Uncle Joshua sized void this side of Heaven. (He would have been such a cool uncle). That’s why grieving parents never “get back to normal” and never stop grieving. There are always new chapters of life that make them wonder how things might have been different.

That’s also why we continue to cling to God. He is continually mending our broken hearts. He is continually sheltering us in His wings. He is continually fighting with us and providing what we need. And while we can’t control what happens on this earth, we can control where we go for eternity. God will redeem every shed tear. He will redeem every missed moment. He will redeem every bit of sadness and heartache for all eternity. His mercies are new every morning!

Eight years out and still learning so much. Most importantly, I’m learning how good and how faithful God is all the time.

A Dream Comes True And It’s Oh So Bittersweet

One year for Christmas, my grandfather built me a beautiful two-story Barbie doll house. I would spend hours playing with it. I loved to make “books” for my Barbies. I wasn’t allowed to have scissors, so I would fold a sheet of paper over and over until it created a crease that I could gently tear. I would do this until the paper was small enough to fit into their hands. I created whole libraries for them; which led to the decision that someday I wanted to be a writer. I’ve always had a lot of words. I never could figure out what to write about.

Fast forward to adult life, my mom used to create a calendar to give to her church family at Christmas. Every year had a different theme. One year, she included everyone’s favorite recipes; another year it was each couple’s wedding picture. In 2013, she was diagnosed with cancer. I was staying with her after one of her surgeries, and she was trying to decide what theme she should use for the calendar. We both knew that it would probably be the last one she would get to do, and it was important to her. We brainstormed for a while, and then decided that we should pick a prayer theme for each month. We thought it would be nice to include pretty pictures and a poem or verse to go with each theme.

While she was sleeping, I was thinking about how beneficial it would be to include a scripture for each day of the month that went along with that theme. I started with the first month and found a scripture for each day. I wrote an article and sent the proposal to a Christian magazine. They accepted it and asked me to finish the calendar. I had finally found something to write about.

A few months later I was trying to finish up that calendar, and it had become very difficult. I didn’t want any verse to be repeated for the full year, and I was struggling to make that work. My son, Joshua, happened into the room where I was working and asked me what I was doing. I explained and told him how hard it was and that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all. He said, “Mom, that is a great idea! You have to finish it!” A few weeks later, he ran ahead to Heaven. I became obsessed with finishing that calendar. If for no other reason than because of what he had said to me.

I did five more calendars after that one, each with a different theme. During the midst of that, I was encouraged to write a book. I’m excited to share with you that that book releases today!

I wasn’t always excited. To be honest, for a while I listened to the lies that satan told me. “The only reason you are publishing a book is because your son died. If it hadn’t been your dream to write a book, he wouldn’t have died.” I have had some tough conversations with God about this dream of mine. While the dream of an eight-year-old little girl is coming true today, it felt like it came at a great price. The truth is, that just isn’t the way things happen. God didn’t cause my son to die. I didn’t have to trade one for the other. I’m not being punished by God; He has suffered with me every step of the way. This isn’t the world He created. This isn’t the plan He had for us.

However, I can and must choose how to live after such a devastating and tragic event. I choose to serve and honor God for His faithfulness, for all of the things that He has done to carry me through this deep and dark valley.

So, today my first book releases. (I say first because I still have a lot of words!) It is bittersweet. I am excited, and I am sad. I am sad that Joshua isn’t here to mark the event with me. I am excited for all of the love and support that I have received, not only while he was at children’s hospital, not only during his service, not only during the week after he died, but also during the almost eight years since. I didn’t choose this path; I get to choose what I do with it. I choose to put my eyes on the cross and keep moving towards an eternity with my Heavenly Father.

I pray that God is honored and glorified through this book. I pray that people will read it, will read our story and run towards God with arms wide open knowing that only He can save them.

This has not been an easy journey, and I don’t want one minute of it to be wasted. My son lived his race so well, and I want others to live theirs well! I hope you will join God’s team! He is one coach that will equip you with everything you need and will never let you down!

If you are interested in purchasing this book, click here.

A Race Well-Lived

I have struggled and struggled over what to say in this post. A dream that I have had since I was an eight-year-old little girl is becoming reality today, and I am experiencing so many emotions.

I am so excited today to fulfill this lifelong goal, and that has caused me immense guilt. There have been some weak moments during this process where I have allowed some lies to seep into my heart. Yes, my dream is coming true, and it came at a great price. The things I learned, the journey that I had to take came as a result of burying a child. The truth is, satan doesn’t want me to be excited today. He wants me to keep telling myself that I only wrote a book because Joshua died. He wants me to feel guilt. And there have been times when he won those battles. He won’t win the war.

What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that I wouldn’t have made it the last eight years without God. It would have been easy to question God. It would have been easy to become angry with Him and walk away. How could a good and loving God allow such terrible things to happen? The truth is, God put us on this earth and gave us free will. We walked away from Him; He didn’t walk away from us.

Our Heavenly Father, our Creator chases after us with so much love and so many blessings, if only we could open our eyes and our hearts to see it all! We have all had opportunities to walk away, but like Simon Peter said in Luke 6:68 “Lord, to whom shall we go?” No one could comfort or rescue me like God! I pray that God is honored and glorified through our story. I pray that people will read it and run towards God with open arms knowing that only He can rescue them.

This has not been an easy journey, and I don’t want one minute of it to be wasted. My son lived his race so well, and I want others to live theirs well! Losing Joshua was so hard! It still is. God didn’t cause it to happen, and I want to shout from the rooftops what He has done for us, how faithful He has been every single step of this brutal journey. So, yes, I will be excited about reaching this goal and let go of the guilt that is not based in God’s truth!

If you are interested in purchasing A Race Well-Lived, click here.

Embracing the Stockdale Paradox

Admiral Jim Stockdale was a prisoner of war during Vietnam. In fact, he was the highest ranking military officer in the camp in Hanoi, a place where prisoners had zero rights. He was held captive there for eight years during which he was tortured more than 20 times. He was one of the few to make it out alive. When Jim Collins interviewed Admiral Stockdale for his book “Good to Great”, he asked him how he was able to survive such dire circumstances. The Admiral responded by saying, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” This idea later came to be known as “The Stockdale Paradox.”

Since first reading about Admiral Stockdale a little more than a year ago, I have really chewed on his words. He believed that he would get out of that prisoner of war camp. With his whole heart, he believed and never allowed himself to waver from that belief. He didn’t know when, and he didn’t know how. At the same time, he faced the brutal reality that he was a prisoner of war.

I don’t know what difficulty you are facing. For me, it’s the journey of child loss, and Admiral Stockdale makes two points that I believe can help us as we deal with the most difficult circumstances of this life.

First, we can’t waver in our faith that we will prevail. Is that even possible?

Have you read about Abraham in Romans 4? Verse 18 begins with the phrase, “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.” Have you ever felt that it was useless to even hope? Abraham did, and yet he continued to believe through that hope. Not only did he continue to believe through hope, scripture tells us that “he did not waver.”

“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.” Romans 4:20-21.

Abraham did not waver and neither can we. I’m not saying that we won’t have fleeting thoughts. That is going to happen. However, we can recognize them, take them captive, and replace them with God’s truth. We don’t have to know the outcome to have faith in God and to know that we will prevail.

Second, we have to confront the brutal reality. My husband and I have buried a child, and it is brutal. While it has been almost eight years, we are different people, our lives are different, most everything about our world is different. We have to deal with it, confront it, and live with it every single day. Whatever you are facing has probably made you different as well. It has changed the life you anticipated, the life you planned for, the life you worked for. It’s hard, it hurts. Although we have to face it, we don’t have to face it on our strength alone.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This life wasn’t God’s plan for us either. He created the Garden of Eden and put humanity there. We ruined that, and God could have turned His back on us. Instead, He continues to provide everything we need. When we are weak, we have God’s strength to rely on, and it is immeasurable. We can take comfort in knowing that we don’t have to struggle alone. He has promised to walk with us every step of the way and to give us what we need to overcome.

Because of these promises, we can live every single day with unwavering faith in God while at the same time facing the reality that life on earth is hard. Those of us who have lost a child miss our kids. We long to see them. We long to hug them, to hear their voices, to laugh with them. We also know that we will see them again. We can’t mark it on a calendar, so we wait in faith all because of God’s promise, knowing that it will happen in His timing. Until then, we live in our current reality while anticipating the joy that is to come.

Day 1 – From Home

We are waking up in a new world today – the idea of working from home. As an educator, this is new territory. I know there are companies that have allowed people to work from home for years. I’m intrigued by the possibilities. I’m hoping this will make me a better teacher. I’m definitely going to have to get creative and think outside the box.

For me, all of this is just an inconvenience. It is not life-altering the way it will be for many. When I got the news of our school closing, I couldn’t help but think back to the winter of 2013. It was the last time we had significant snow. It is easy for me to remember because it was the winter my son died, and those snow days were a blessing to my family. They were an inconvenience to many others. They gave us some extra time to mourn and to heal; time that we desperately needed. Other parents felt “stuck” at home with their children. I would have given anything to be “stuck” at home with both of mine.

Now, my day-to-day activities are being inconvenienced, and I am reminding myself that for some families, this time is a blessing. Maybe it’s a much needed slower pace for a couple of weeks, maybe it’s some time to heal from a loss, maybe it’s an opportunity to adjust to a life change. Whatever it’s for, it’s just the time they needed.

Whether this is an inconvenience for you or a blessing, I pray we can all use this time as an opportunity. Maybe you have always wanted to start a new hobby. This is the time. And if you still have children at home, I hope you will start it together. Maybe you have always wanted to write a book. This is the time. You can set aside several uninterrupted days. Maybe you have always wanted to learn calligraphy or do something nice for your neighbors. Maybe you have always wanted to sort through all of those photos and organize them. Whatever it is that you have put on the back burner until you had some free time – well here is your free time!

Most importantly, use this time to be in the word. There is nowhere to rush off to, so let’s practice being still before the Lord. If you aren’t sure what to do with this time, ask Him. Let Him guide you. Whatever He places in front of you will be far better than anything you could have thought up on your own.

I need to lay eyes on her

I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

Years ago my mom had a friend who was in the hospital. She had heard from a mutual friend that their friend’s health was improving, but it wasn’t enough. After church that evening, my mom said, “I need to stop by the hospital and lay eyes on her.”

I have often pondered what my mom said that night. It wasn’t good enough for her to hear about her friend from someone else. She needed to look at her and see for herself. Recently, this expression has begun to take on a different meaning – a more personal meaning.

The truth is, we can be fooled by someone’s words and even by their tone of voice. We have all done it. We haven’t really been feeling up to par, but didn’t want to admit it. So, we put on a fake smile and just enough pep in our voice to pass inspection. My mom knew all of the tricks. She wasn’t easily fooled. However, she knew if she could look at her friend for herself, lay eyes on her, she would know for sure how she was really doing.

My relationship with Christ is very similar. It isn’t enough for me to hear about Jesus from someone else. Not everyone teaches truth. It isn’t enough for me to simply attend church and listen to a minister or a Sunday school teacher talk about scripture. Oh sure, they can tell me how Jesus has blessed them or been faithful, but I can’t truly know Jesus without laying my own eyes on Him.

I need to lay eyes on the cross for myself. I need to see Christ’s suffering with my own eyes in order to truly understand this gift of salvation that I have been given. I need to talk to Him for myself. I need to spend time in the Word so I can hear His voice for myself.

When my eyes are on the cross, my thoughts are focused on eternity and my decisions are grounded in God’s truths. Just like my sweet momma needed to lay eyes on her friend, we must lay eyes on the cross every single day.

Have you laid eyes on the cross today?

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2