Tag: death

A Dream Comes True And It’s Oh So Bittersweet

One year for Christmas, my grandfather built me a beautiful two-story Barbie doll house. I would spend hours playing with it. I loved to make “books” for my Barbies. I wasn’t allowed to have scissors, so I would fold a sheet of paper over and over until it created a crease that I could gently tear. I would do this until the paper was small enough to fit into their hands. I created whole libraries for them; which led to the decision that someday I wanted to be a writer. I’ve always had a lot of words. I never could figure out what to write about. 

Fast forward to adult life, my mom used to create a calendar to give to her church family at Christmas. Every year had a different theme. One year, she included everyone’s favorite recipes; another year it was each couple’s wedding picture. In 2013, she was diagnosed with cancer. I was staying with her after one of her surgeries, and she was trying to decide what theme she should use for the calendar. We both knew that it would probably be the last one she would get to do, and it was important to her. We brainstormed for a while, and then decided that we should pick a prayer theme for each month. We thought it would be nice to include pretty pictures and a poem or verse to go with each theme. 

While she was sleeping, I was thinking about how beneficial it would be to include a scripture for each day of the month that went along with that theme. I started with the first month and found a scripture for each day. I wrote an article and sent the proposal to a Christian magazine. They accepted it and asked me to finish the calendar. I had finally found something to write about.

A few months later I was trying to finish up that calendar, and it had become very difficult. I didn’t want any verse to be repeated for the full year, and I was struggling to make that work. My son, Joshua, happened into the room where I was working and asked me what I was doing. I explained and told him how hard it was and that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all. He said, “Mom, that is a great idea! You have to finish it!” A few weeks later, he ran ahead to Heaven. I became obsessed with finishing that calendar. If for no other reason than because of what he had said to me. 

I did five more calendars after that one, each with a different theme. During the midst of that, I was encouraged to write a book. I’m excited to share with you that that book releases today! 

I wasn’t always excited. To be honest, for a while I listened to the lies that satan told me. “The only reason you are publishing a book is because your son died. If it hadn’t been your dream to write a book, he wouldn’t have died.” I have had some tough conversations with God about this dream of mine. While the dream of an eight-year-old little girl is coming true today, it felt like it came at a great price. The truth is, that just isn’t the way things happen. God didn’t cause my son to die. I didn’t have to trade one for the other. I’m not being punished by God; He has suffered with me every step of the way. This isn’t the world He created. This isn’t the plan He had for us. 

However, I can and must choose how to live after such a devastating and tragic event. I choose to serve and honor God for His faithfulness, for all of the things that He has done to carry me through this deep and dark valley.

So, today my first book releases. (I say first because I still have a lot of words!) It is bittersweet. I am excited, and I am sad. I am sad that Joshua isn’t here to mark the event with me. I am excited for all of the love and support that I have received, not only while he was at children’s hospital, not only during his service, not only during the week after he died, but also during the almost eight years since. I didn’t choose this path; I get to choose what I do with it. I choose to put my eyes on the cross and keep moving towards an eternity with my Heavenly Father.

I pray that God is honored and glorified through this book. I pray that people will read it, will read our story and run towards God with arms wide open knowing that only He can save them.

This has not been an easy journey, and I don’t want one minute of it to be wasted. My son lived his race so well, and I want others to live theirs well! I hope you will join God’s team! He is one coach that will equip you with everything you need and will never let you down!

If you are interested in purchasing this book, click here.

God’s Protection

I have wrestled with the idea of “God’s protection” since Joshua ran ahead to Heaven. Not everyday. But sometimes I will hear something that causes me to reflect on it again. A few weeks ago, I heard a woman say, “I praise God for protecting my husband. He was in a horrific accident that should have killed him, but God protected him.” My first thought was, “Does that mean God didn’t protect my son, and if He didn’t protect Joshua does that mean that He is to blame for Joshua’s death.” Thoughts like these can spiral out of control very quickly if we don’t ground ourselves and take our thoughts captive with a solid foundation of truths. 

Hiding scripture in our heart is one of the best avenues for refuting the lies that often want to take up residence in our minds when we are hurting. It is natural for these ideas to pop into our heads especially when we are dealing with life’s difficulties. We have to be incredibly intentional about grabbing hold of them and getting rid of them so that those thoughts don’t become permanent residents.

Let’s take a look at what scripture tells us.  

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James 1:2

Truth #1: God never promised us an easy life here on earth. In fact, scripture very clearly tells us that life will be full of difficulties. There are so many examples in the Bible of faithful ones who experienced great tragedies: Job lost everything, John the Baptist was beheaded, Stephen was stoned to death, Christ was crucified for my salvation. He faced suffering and torture that I will never understand in order to rescue me from an eternity in hell.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2

Truth #2: God is more concerned with our spiritual life than our earthly life. I recently heard someone say, “God wants me to be happy.” While I don’t believe that God enjoys watching us hurt on earth, I do believe that our eternal salvation is more important to God than our earthly comforts. Our life on this earth is but a vapor. Eternity is forever. 

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Isaiah 55:8-9

Truth #3: God is God, and I am not. I will never understand why terrible things happen; things like diseases, famine, poverty, abuse, neglect, death. And, even if I did understand, it would not lessen the sorrow that I feel. Jesus understands all things and knows all things, and He still wept at the news of Lazarus’ death. 

Am I grateful that the sweet woman’s husband was protected? Absolutely! Do I wish that my story had a different outcome? Absolutely! Both of those things are true. Do I understand why some people have to face horrible illnesses and others don’t, why some struggle with addictions and others don’t, why some fight to feed their families every single day and others don’t. I have no idea. 

What I do know is that I choose to trust God because I believe what His word tells me.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

Despite what happens to me on this earth, I have the promise of His eternal protection in Heaven. 

Crying during the Sad Parts

Michael and I recently attended a retreat for bereaved parents. Before Joshua died, I couldn’t imagine attending something that sounded so depressing. In fact, most people would expect that such a weekend would be miserable. It is far from it. Is it a difficult weekend? Yes. Even somewhat awkward at least for the first few minutes. And then, we start talking about our children.

We laugh, we cry, we have conversations that are encouraging and uplifting. We have deep conversations about God, faith and Heaven. We share our struggles and our triumphs. Although we each grieve differently, we share the same pain.

This weekend, I heard one of the most beautiful statements. Carrie Evins, another waiting mom, shared with us a quote from Steve Swift. 

“He cried. He knew Lazarus was dead before He got the news. But still, He cried. He knew Lazarus would be alive again in moments. But still, He cried. He knew this world is not home. He knew death here is not forever. He knew eternity and the Kingdom better than anyone else could. And He wept. Because this world is full of pain and regret and loss and depression and devastation. He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you can’t cry at the sad parts.”

Read that last line again: “Knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you can’t cry at the sad parts.”

I know the end of the story. I will see Joshua again, and I am going to continue to cry at the sad parts, even almost seven years later. We know that he is safely tucked away in Heaven, and we know that someday we will join him. Until then, there will be days that are just harder than others. There will be days that his absence is even more noticeable.

It is hard to watch people hurting; even more so when we know there is nothing that we can do to ease the pain or fix the situation. Sometimes people want to avoid any mention of someone who has moved on to Heaven. If you know a parent waiting to be reunited with a child in Heaven, please say their child’s name to them. They might cry. It’s okay. That doesn’t mean they have lost hope. Jesus wept during the sad parts and it’s okay if we do too.