Today is his earthly birthday. He would have been 25 years old, a quarter of a century. A pivotal age when family and careers are beginning. I can’t help but wonder where he would be in life. Married? College graduate? Children? Preaching? Those are questions that will never be answered. Just musings that I will have as long as I continue to walk this earth. The wonderings of what might have been.
My daughter and I were chatting on the phone a few days ago. She confessed that she just didn’t have any motivation and could feel herself falling into a funk. She said she couldn’t figure out why. There wasn’t anything going on that was bothering her. I suggested she look at the calendar. It hit her immediately. Brother’s birthday is coming. We both have been feeling it. Even when we don’t acknowledge grief, the body does. The body doesn’t forget or even need the calendar. It just knows.
It isn’t just today that is hard. The days leading up are also hard. I struggle with motivation. I tend to sleep more. I’m just sad. We have heard so many bereaved parents share that the people around them want them to be better, to be over their child’s death. There is a significant reason why that is just not possible.
Grief is love with no place to go.
The absolute best description of grief I have heard. Grieving parents can’t get over it. They can’t be like they used to be. They will forever have all of this love for a child that isn’t here for them to love.
It’s also no wonder that the days leading up are hard. Those are the days that we should have been planning and shopping and baking his favorites. But he isn’t here. So, we can’t shower him with all of the love that we feel. That’s why we are sad. That’s why we can’t get motivated. We can’t do what we long to do and celebrate him today.
So, what do we do on his birthday? We mope for a while. That is literally our plan for the morning. We just hang out at home in our pajamas. We wrap the sadness around us like a blanket and just sit in our sorrow for a bit. Around lunch time, one of us will get the motivation to get up and get dressed, and will encourage the other one to do the same. Then, we drive to a local bakery and pay for random birthday cakes. We can’t buy him a birthday cake, but maybe buying one for someone else will help ease the sadness. It does. We feel a little less burdened. And then, we go have a steak and a Dr. Pepper. It’s what he would have requested.
Today, in honor of his birthday, Michael, Elizabeth, and I want to share 25 things that we love about Joshua!
- His infectious smile that would change the mood of a room.
- His white hair.
- His love for Jesus.
- His compassion for anyone in need.
- His pranks.
- His corny pick up lines.
- The way he loved his sister and wasn’t embarrassed for anyone to know.
- His gift for encouraging others.
- His respect for our military.
- His love for our family.
- His selflessness.
- He accepted his heart condition and continued to live life happily.
- His love for everyone regardless of age or socioeconomic status.
- His ability to overcome disappointment.
- His HUGS!
- His ability to be receptive during tough conversations.
- The way he rejoiced and celebrated the successes of others.
- His photo bombs.
- His first instinct to pray anytime there was a need.
- His love for the game and not just for winning.
- His larger than life laugh.
- His generosity to total strangers.
- His eagerness to forgive.
- His willingness to admit mistakes and say I’m sorry.
- The way his head always bobbed when he was playing the marimba.
There are so many more reasons that we loved him. He left a huge void in our lives when he left this earth. We are forever changed for having known him. We are forever changed because he isn’t here to share life with us.
Grief is a difficult road. We know what the future holds and can simultaneously cling to that while still being sad. We grieve because we loved. We know that one day we will be called home too. One day we will be reunited with those we love for all of eternity. It’s not a hope. It’s a promise from God.
With Eyes on the Cross 