I have struggled and struggled over what to say in this post. A dream that I have had since I was an eight-year-old little girl is becoming reality today, and I am experiencing so many emotions.
I am so excited today to fulfill this lifelong goal, and that has caused me immense guilt. There have been some weak moments during this process where I have allowed some lies to seep into my heart. Yes, my dream is coming true, and it came at a great price. The things I learned, the journey that I had to take came as a result of burying a child. The truth is, satan doesn’t want me to be excited today. He wants me to keep telling myself that I only wrote a book because Joshua died. He wants me to feel guilt. And there have been times when he won those battles. He won’t win the war.
What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that I wouldn’t have made it the last eight years without God. It would have been easy to question God. It would have been easy to become angry with Him and walk away. How could a good and loving God allow such terrible things to happen? The truth is, God put us on this earth and gave us free will. We walked away from Him; He didn’t walk away from us.
Our Heavenly Father, our Creator chases after us with so much love and so many blessings, if only we could open our eyes and our hearts to see it all! We have all had opportunities to walk away, but like Simon Peter said in Luke 6:68 “Lord, to whom shall we go?” No one could comfort or rescue me like God! I pray that God is honored and glorified through our story. I pray that people will read it and run towards God with open arms knowing that only He can rescue them.
This has not been an easy journey, and I don’t want one minute of it to be wasted. My son lived his race so well, and I want others to live theirs well! Losing Joshua was so hard! It still is. God didn’t cause it to happen, and I want to shout from the rooftops what He has done for us, how faithful He has been every single step of this brutal journey. So, yes, I will be excited about reaching this goal and let go of the guilt that is not based in God’s truth!
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With Eyes on the Cross 