Category: Grief

The Truth Behind the Smile

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

We spent this past weekend at the While We’re Waiting Refuge in Hot Springs with several other parents whose children have run ahead to Heaven. I know it sounds like a depressing way to spend a summer weekend. It was the complete opposite.

We definitely shared a lot of tears, and we shared a tremendous amount of laughter. We talked about the absolute worst days of our lives with people who were total strangers on Friday, yet by Sunday, those same strangers had become close friends. 

One waiting momma refers to these weekends as “weekends out of time.” What a perfect phrase to explain what it feels like. The whole world is continuing in all its busyness while we pull away into a bubble of healing, hope and encouragement.

I learn so much every time we come together with other parents. I am always reminded of God’s goodness and faithfulness. A parent who has lost a child becomes so much more intentional about finding God as they face the pain. They are so much more intentional about seeking moments of joy. God is so good to provide exactly what we need, when we need it.

In fact, it is quite easy to mistake a smile on the face of a grieving parent as a sure sign that they have moved on, that they are doing so much better. It is anything but. If we could see inside them, we would see so many shattered pieces that we would most likely be terrified that nothing could ever put those pieces back together. 

That smile is a gift that God has given them – an opportunity to find some joy in the midst of the waves that are crashing against their very souls every single day. That smile often brings with it guilt. Guilt from a moment of joy that they feel they shouldn’t experience. 

If you see a grieving parent smile, you have just witnessed a beautiful gift that came with a heavy price. Pause and enjoy the moment with them. They aren’t “moving on” nor are they “getting back to normal.” It is with the strength and grace that comes only from our loving God that they are able to find those moments despite the weight and the brokenness that they are carrying.

God’s Protection

I have wrestled with the idea of “God’s protection” since Joshua ran ahead to Heaven. Not everyday. But sometimes I will hear something that causes me to reflect on it again. A few weeks ago, I heard a woman say, “I praise God for protecting my husband. He was in a horrific accident that should have killed him, but God protected him.” My first thought was, “Does that mean God didn’t protect my son, and if He didn’t protect Joshua does that mean that He is to blame for Joshua’s death.” Thoughts like these can spiral out of control very quickly if we don’t ground ourselves and take our thoughts captive with a solid foundation of truths. 

Hiding scripture in our heart is one of the best avenues for refuting the lies that often want to take up residence in our minds when we are hurting. It is natural for these ideas to pop into our heads especially when we are dealing with life’s difficulties. We have to be incredibly intentional about grabbing hold of them and getting rid of them so that those thoughts don’t become permanent residents.

Let’s take a look at what scripture tells us.  

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” James 1:2

Truth #1: God never promised us an easy life here on earth. In fact, scripture very clearly tells us that life will be full of difficulties. There are so many examples in the Bible of faithful ones who experienced great tragedies: Job lost everything, John the Baptist was beheaded, Stephen was stoned to death, Christ was crucified for my salvation. He faced suffering and torture that I will never understand in order to rescue me from an eternity in hell.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2

Truth #2: God is more concerned with our spiritual life than our earthly life. I recently heard someone say, “God wants me to be happy.” While I don’t believe that God enjoys watching us hurt on earth, I do believe that our eternal salvation is more important to God than our earthly comforts. Our life on this earth is but a vapor. Eternity is forever. 

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Isaiah 55:8-9

Truth #3: God is God, and I am not. I will never understand why terrible things happen; things like diseases, famine, poverty, abuse, neglect, death. And, even if I did understand, it would not lessen the sorrow that I feel. Jesus understands all things and knows all things, and He still wept at the news of Lazarus’ death. 

Am I grateful that the sweet woman’s husband was protected? Absolutely! Do I wish that my story had a different outcome? Absolutely! Both of those things are true. Do I understand why some people have to face horrible illnesses and others don’t, why some struggle with addictions and others don’t, why some fight to feed their families every single day and others don’t. I have no idea. 

What I do know is that I choose to trust God because I believe what His word tells me.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

Despite what happens to me on this earth, I have the promise of His eternal protection in Heaven. 

Crying during the Sad Parts

Michael and I recently attended a retreat for bereaved parents. Before Joshua died, I couldn’t imagine attending something that sounded so depressing. In fact, most people would expect that such a weekend would be miserable. It is far from it. Is it a difficult weekend? Yes. Even somewhat awkward at least for the first few minutes. And then, we start talking about our children.

We laugh, we cry, we have conversations that are encouraging and uplifting. We have deep conversations about God, faith and Heaven. We share our struggles and our triumphs. Although we each grieve differently, we share the same pain.

This weekend, I heard one of the most beautiful statements. Carrie Evins, another waiting mom, shared with us a quote from Steve Swift. 

“He cried. He knew Lazarus was dead before He got the news. But still, He cried. He knew Lazarus would be alive again in moments. But still, He cried. He knew this world is not home. He knew death here is not forever. He knew eternity and the Kingdom better than anyone else could. And He wept. Because this world is full of pain and regret and loss and depression and devastation. He wept because knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you can’t cry at the sad parts.”

Read that last line again: “Knowing the end of the story doesn’t mean you can’t cry at the sad parts.”

I know the end of the story. I will see Joshua again, and I am going to continue to cry at the sad parts, even almost seven years later. We know that he is safely tucked away in Heaven, and we know that someday we will join him. Until then, there will be days that are just harder than others. There will be days that his absence is even more noticeable.

It is hard to watch people hurting; even more so when we know there is nothing that we can do to ease the pain or fix the situation. Sometimes people want to avoid any mention of someone who has moved on to Heaven. If you know a parent waiting to be reunited with a child in Heaven, please say their child’s name to them. They might cry. It’s okay. That doesn’t mean they have lost hope. Jesus wept during the sad parts and it’s okay if we do too.

God Answers My Prayers (Part 5)

There are so many scriptures about prayer that I cling to. One of my favorites has always been Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

I have spent my life delighting myself in the Lord. He didn’t give me the desire of my heart when I asked Him to heal Joshua. How do I reconcile that? 

The truth is, I don’t understand why God didn’t heal Joshua. I don’t know why He chose to allow Joshua to leave this earth. I will probably never understand this side of Heaven. I have asked why so many times, God should be tired of me by now. I’m grateful that He isn’t. Even if God chose to tell me why, would the answer really satisfy me. Probably not. I can’t think of one single reason why Joshua should have died at age 16. Knowing the why wouldn’t change anything except make me want to argue with God about how many other ways He could have achieved the same goal without taking Joshua. 

If I truly delight myself in the Lord, I will want the same thing that He wants for my life. As a result, I will trust His answer. 

Since my son’s death, my prayers have changed. I still lay my heart before God and tell Him exactly what I want and why. I am honest. I hold nothing back. Then, I ask that His will be done. Not because I understand why, but because I trust that God knows more than I do and that His ways are higher than mine. I trust that while my vision is often short-term and earthly based, His is long term and eternity based. And then I trust His answer. 

Does this mean that I have quit asking for much? No way. I continue to ask for things with boldness. In fact, for the last three years, I have been asking God to open a door that He has chosen not to open yet. It has been especially difficult the last few days, and I have been on my knees frequently. I don’t understand. The rejection hurts. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. 

I trust Him. While I wait, I lean on Him. I draw closer to Him. I remind myself that He is in control. 

Will He open that door? I have no idea. It may never happen. And, I may never know why this side of Heaven. Like our daughter needed time to mature to understand why we told her no, I need time to mature in God’s will before I can understand.

What are you asking for today that you haven’t received yet? Talk to God about it. Open your heart. Ask Him for help trusting no matter whatever answer He gives.

God Answers My Prayers (Part 1)

I’m going to be honest and let you know before you read all of this that you might not like some of what I say. I know without a doubt that God has answered every single prayer that I have ever spoken to Him. He has not always said yes, but He has answered every prayer.

For three straight days, I begged God to heal my child. For almost exactly 72 hours, I watched as he laid in a hospital bed in a coma. I went to the throne and fought for him. I cried out begging God to heal his body and wake him up. Others joined me from all over the world. We flooded God’s ears with our pleas. 

He heard every single prayer our mouths and hearts uttered. Not a syllable was ignored. He felt our pain and sorrow. 

And then on a Friday afternoon God answered our prayer through a doctor who said, “Your child has zero brain activity. He will never wake up.” It wasn’t the answer we begged to hear. It wasn’t what we longed for God to do. It was still an answer. 

We have this idea that when we get what we want, God is answering our prayer. I hear it often. My husband got the job. God answered our prayer. My child’s fever broke. God answered my prayer. The cancer is gone. God answered my prayer. 

My sweet boy left this earth. God answered my prayer. 

God always answers our prayers. Sometimes with what we ask for and sometimes not. But God always answers.

So, why is it that sometimes the request and the answer are the same and other times they are not? I have no idea. I am not God. I would dare say that no one has ever had all of their prayers answered the way they hoped. Unless of course they aren’t praying for much.

What does the Bible say about God’s answers to our prayers?

“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:15-16

My son was sick. I had faith that God would heal him. Does this mean my faith was not strong enough or that I am not righteous enough? Absolutely not. It is dangerous to take a single passage like this and apply it without taking all of God’s word into account.

I am  not the only one that God has said no to. When Jesus was in the garden asking for the cup to pass over Him, God said no. Our Savior was so burdened by the task in front of Him that He was sweating drops of blood. He was going to be physically tortured and humiliated while He died proclaiming to be the Son of God. God allowed this to happen for a greater purpose. Why should I expect God to grant me every wish I desire. He is not a genie in a bottle. He is God.

I want to propose three possible reasons God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we ask.

  1. God has a better plan.
  2. God is protecting me from something.
  3. God will be even more glorified.

I am not saying that I understand the nature of God. When God doesn’t answer a prayer with my desires, I may not know why this side of Heaven. However, it is definitely an opportunity for me to draw closer to Him to find the comfort and strength I need. 

Right now, the most important step that we can take is to decide if we will trust God in whatever answer He gives to our requests.

Over the next week, we are going to take each one of the proposed reasons why God may not answer our prayers the way we hoped for and dig deeper into scripture. I pray that we can open our hearts to God’s word and listen to what He truly wants to teach us.

He Hears My Prayer

Have you found yourself calling out to God during this pandemic? Are you wondering if He is listening? He is.

If God says He will do something, He will. He only has to say it one time, and He doesn’t have to guarantee it with a pinky promise. If He says it, it is true. God says that He hears our prayers and there is plenty of evidence in scripture to back it up.

First and foremost, God wants us to call out to Him. He says so. Look at 2 Chronicles 7:14 “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

Did you catch what it said? If we pray to Him, He will hear us from Heaven. No matter where He is, God will hear us.

Many are using this scripture right now to try and get people to turn to God so that He will heal our land. I think we have to be careful about doing something just for the reward that we think we might get. Did God send this virus? I don’t know. Could He? Of course, He is God. Would He? He might if He thought it would turn people to Him. Can He use it for His glory? Absolutely.

In case you need further proof, David also acknowledges that God hears us. Psalm 40:1 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.”

There are two key points in this passage. First, David says he waited patiently. That is crucial and so very difficult for me. God doesn’t view time the way that we do. 2 Peter 3:8 tells us, “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” He isn’t confined to timelines the way we are with our watches and daily schedules. Things do not always happen in the timeframe that we hope for, but they always happen in God’s timing. 

The second key point is David’s acknowledgment of God hearing him. God always hears us. Always. Every single time we cry out to Him, He hears us. He can distinguish your voice from every other voice on the planet. You are that special to Him. He longs to hear us call out to Him. 

This global crisis has not left any untouched. We have all been affected emotionally, physically and mentally. There have been some devastating financial effects. There have been many affected by death. You might be thinking, “I have been calling out to God. Nothing has changed. He hasn’t answered my prayer.” We are going to talk about answered prayers on a different day. Today, I want you to know without a doubt, God hears you. He hears every syllable you cry out to Him. He knows every heartache you are struggling to overcome. He wants you to continue to come to Him with all of it.

If it has been awhile since you have prayed, don’t worry! God isn’t looking for formalities or a special formula. Just open your heart to Him. Tell Him what you are struggling with and tell Him what you are grateful for today. Sure He already knows. You also know that your children or your parents love you, yet it makes you feel pretty great when they say it! 

After you pour out your heart, follow David’s example – wait patiently. He will turn to you.

Walking the Same Path

I remember the very first “While We’re Waiting Mom’s Day” that I attended after Joshua died. I pulled into the driveway, parked my car and sat there for a minute trying to decide if I would stay or just pull away. What had possessed me to sign up to go and spend a day with eight women I had never met?

They knew my pain. We share the experience of losing a child. They were walking the same path that I was walking and some of them were further along than I was. Surely I could learn something.

The sweet woman who opened the door, greeted me and when I told her my name, she hugged me tight and said, “I prayed hard for you when your sweet Joshua died.” She had heard of him. Her kids were in school with him. She spoke his name. Just a month after our loss, her precious little girl joined him in Heaven, and she too became a grieving mom. 

In just a couple of hours, six women will arrive at my home for their first Mom’s Day. My heart aches for them this morning. It aches for the pain they are facing and for the inner turmoil some of them will fight before they arrive.

One of the first things that we will talk about is the great courage it takes to drive yourself to someone’s home you have never met, to spend the day with women you do not know, and to talk about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I am so grateful to the founders of While We’re Waiting for recognizing this and for making it a part of the introduction to today’s retreat.

They know, because they are also walking this path. 

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

They exemplify this scripture each and every time they open their hearts to grieving parents. It isn’t by accident that God’s word tells us to “bear one another’s burdens.”

What a blessing this group has been to my husband and me. It sounds crazy, but we jump on every chance we can to spend time with other parents. They get us. They know things that would be impossible for those who have not lost a child to know. (Things I wish no other parent on this planet would ever have to know.)

When we first started spending time with other parents, we found hope. They were like normal people. (I didn’t feel normal at all.) They laughed. They joked about sports teams. But, more importantly, we had deep conversations about our pain and child loss. There wasn’t a topic they wouldn’t discuss or question they wouldn’t answer. They talked about the goodness of God during their toughest days. They talked about His faithfulness in their lives. They talked about how God is good in the midst of the most excruciating pain.

They reminded me of the promise of eternity and helped me find joy while I wait to be reunited with those I love in Heaven.

God knew the value in His children coming together, to walk arm in arm, as they faced storms here on Earth. He knew that we could offer one another hope, encouragement, kindness and compassion, especially if it was a storm we had already been through.

I pray that whatever burden you are carrying, you can find someone who has already carried it and will walk with you. 

I pray that whatever burden you have already carried, you will ask God to lead you to those who need help carrying that burden now. You don’t have to have all of the answers. Just a heart to show others the goodness of God in the midst of your pain. You will never know the hope that you will bring.

Today is Hard

About this time last year, a heavy rain stick fell off the window sill in my classroom and hit my foot. I expected it to bruise, but it didn’t. In fact, there wasn’t a mark at all, nor did it have any impact on my ability to walk. But occasionally, when I moved a certain way, it would twinge a bit and remind me. 

Six years ago, my heart was hit hard and ripped to pieces. Slowly, very slowly, the pieces have healed a bit but not without leaving scars and a bruise – that can’t be seen. Most days, it doesn’t affect my daily activities. Other days, I hear a song, come across a photo or a particular date pops up on the calendar, and my heart feels the pain all over again. 

Today is one of those days. It is a hard day. My heart is heavy. I am sad. Six years ago today, our son went out for a run. Instead of coming back to us, he ran home – straight through those Pearly Gates. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of him. I often wonder what he would be doing, where he would be living and if he might have already found the one whom his soul loves.

Just like today, it was a Tuesday. That makes it a little harder. The last couple of weeks I have relived everything that happened. Shopping for a suit for homecoming, mom’s surgery, the band trip to Atlanta, all of the text messages we exchanged while he was looking for the perfect gifts to bring home from his trip. We had no idea what was coming. We won’t get to make more memories or take more photos, so I hold on to the ones that I have.

Today, my heart feels that pain again. Today I will seek comfort from the One who provides a peace that passes understanding and I will cling to His promises.

The righteous cry, and the Lord hears And delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

He hears me when I cry out to Him. 

You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8

He has caught my tears in a bottle. Not a single one has been wasted or gone unnoticed.

The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

He is with me every step of the way. I am never alone. 

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

My Heavenly Father, the One who created me, knows exactly what I need today. He knows even before I do, and He will provide. 

Yes, today is hard. I’m sure the tears will sit a little closer to the eyes. I will try not to cry. It makes others uncomfortable, but the truth is, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to hide at home and cry. That isn’t possible, so I will do my best to limit the tears, reminding myself that this sorrow won’t last for eternity. Tomorrow will be a new day. And I will be one day closer to spending an eternity in Heaven with the One who created me, the One who saved me and the sweet boy that I miss so much. 

What promise from God are you clinging to today?

Life Lessons from Grief – Living with Fear

I have been fearful all my life. Growing up I was afraid of everything. I always wanted to be more like my mom. She was afraid of absolutely nothing.

I remember sitting in the gym in middle school during a presentation and having this overwhelming paralyzing fear. I wasn’t in any danger. No one had said anything to me that would cause such fear. Yet there I sat, absolutely terrified. Over the years, there were other instances when similar things happened. To this day, I have no idea what caused them. 

Sometimes I wonder if there is a support group for it. “Hi, my name is Michelle, and I live with fear.”

When our son was first diagnosed with a heart defect at about 18 months old, I lived in a constant state of fear. The heart issue was an accidental find. He looked completely healthy on the outside. He had never had a symptom. As he grew, still no symptoms; yet we got regular confirmation from doctors that his heart had not formed correctly. 

As they continued to monitor his heart, I continued to fear what might happen. My absolute worst fear did happen. He went out for a run one night and instead of returning home, he ran straight through the Pearly Gates.

My fear did not change the outcome. It did affect my ability to enjoy the present. 

For a few months after his death, my mind played the “what if” game. What if we had told him that he couldn’t go for a run. What if we had all gone to the gym together that night as a family. 

A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5 (NIV)

We can play the “what if” game all day long; it doesn’t change anything. It didn’t matter where we were that night or what we were doing, Joshua was moving to Heaven. If he had stayed home, he still would have collapsed. If we had gone to the gym, he still would have collapsed. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

The reality is, we are either going to die or Christ is going to return and take us home. We do not know when that is going to happen. Living in fear doesn’t change the outcome. 

I am learning to live with fear instead of in it. I am still afraid of things, lots of things. I can’t change the future by being afraid of it. I am learning ways to control my fear instead of allowing it to paralyze me or keep me from truly living the life God intended for me to live.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

Finding this scripture was a life-changer for me. If fear does not come from God, then it must come from satan. I absolutely will not allow him to steal my joy.

If I allow fear to make my decisions that is what I am doing. And, I am going to miss out on some amazing things in life. I continue to be afraid of things, the difference is that now, I choose to not allow it control me. 

Don’t give satan that foothold. Tell God about the things that you are afraid of and ask for His help. He will provide you with the right scripture, the right people, the right ideas to help you overcome whatever is causing you fear so that you can serve Him with fearless abandon!

Life Lessons from Grief – No more “buts”

For months after Joshua died, I could only feel the deepest sorrow I had ever felt. I tried to smile when others were happy or shared good news. I didn’t feel it on the inside. It was all fake, a facade, like the commercial where the people carry around the happy face on the popsicle stick.

I still remember the first time I laughed. Someone said something funny. I don’t remember what it was, I just remember laughing and then feeling the most intense guilt. I shouldn’t be happy. I shouldn’t laugh.

As time passed, I found myself beginning to smile again, genuinely this time. And then, slowly, it seemed okay to laugh a little. It was still hard, I still felt some guilt. Until one day, I realized that Joshua isn’t sad. I don’t really want to go into the theology of whether he is in Heaven, Paradise, or asleep waiting for Christ to return. My momma heart needs to believe that he is sitting at the feet of Jesus, in awe of the glory that awaits the rest of us when our time on this earth ends. What joy he must be experiencing!

The day that hit me is the day that I realized I want to be happy too. I may have a long life left on this earth, and I don’t want to spend it miserable and bitter. Joshua isn’t sad, why should I be? He isn’t mourning. He already knows what’s coming. He is experiencing an eternal reward for a life well-lived.

That’s when the internal struggle began. One of the challenges that grief brought was learning to deal with opposing emotions at the same time. I had never felt sadness and happiness together, simultaneously. It was like I was wrestling with myself. 

Once I was able to acknowledge both emotions and could name them, I could separate them and allow both of them to exist at the same time without the inner conflict. Then, came the next challenge.

The “but.”

I caught myself saying that I felt happy but sad. Saying “but” after expressing the first emotion was like erasing that part of the sentence. It  implied that I didn’t really mean what I had just said. And that wasn’t true, I could literally feel both emotions playing tug-of-war with my insides. 

Let me give you an example. Our daughter just got married. People would often ask us how we were doing; how we were feeling. I couldn’t say that I was happy, but I was also sad. It felt wrong. Like I was erasing the happiness. I really did feel happy. Happy that she had found the one whom her soul loves. Happy that she was happy. Happy to hear the joy in her voice and see her smile reach all the way to her eyes again. 

And I was sad. Sad that her biggest cheerleader, her best friend wouldn’t be here to celebrate with us. Sad that our new son-in-love wouldn’t get to know him. Sad for what the future was supposed to hold. I deeply felt both emotions. 

Pictures could cause a similar reaction. I could look at a picture and remember a happy time that would immediately make me smile. Then, it would hit me that there would be no more memories made, and I would cry. Emotions are overwhelming.

For me, it’s important that I feel the joy with the sorrow. That sorrow is the price we pay for the deep love that we feel for someone. I never want to forget that sweet boy of ours! The joy is a reminder of the hope that we have of spending eternity together. 

Grief is complicated. My prayer for you today is that you will find some joy in the midst of your sadness and not feel guilty!