Joshua ran about this earth for 16 years. I say ran because “walked” sounds slow and without intent. He seemed to be everywhere all at the same time grinning that big ole grin of his and exuding love. He ran ahead to Heaven eight years ago today. It is so hard and God is so incredibly good.
At almost every gathering of bereaved parents the conversation turns to comments people make like “It’s been 6 months or it’s been 3 years, when are you going to get over this? When are you going to be back to your old self?” We have been so blessed to not hear those words until recently, when I began to say them to myself. Here we are eight years out, and I am wondering why this day is still challenging. Shouldn’t I be able to face it without all the emotions? Shouldn’t I be “over it” by now?
Even after eight years, I’m still learning about grief. The way it hits at the most inopportune times. The way it doesn’t care about my schedule. The way it blindsides me when I least expect it. The way it always comes around at certain times of the year. One of the things that I have learned is that we grieve deeply because we love deeply. Our lives forever changed the day that Joshua ran ahead to Heaven.
I’m also still learning about the faithfulness of God. Eight years, and He is still providing. Sometimes He provides a little extra time for me to hang out in a blanket of sadness when I need it. Sometimes, He provides a friend who digs a little deeper when I say I am fine. Sometimes, He provides the distractions that I need to keep my mind busy (like terrifying rollercoasters in the dark). Sometimes, He provides little coincidences that aren’t coincidences at all. Are you seeing the pattern? He always provides something, and it is always exactly what I need.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
There are certain days that will always be challenging. A friend reminded me recently that we celebrate the important days that impact us like birthdays and anniversaries – the days that mark significant changes in our lives. It only makes sense that we would also remember difficult days that have had an impact on us. So, the answer is no, I will never “get over” Joshua’s death. I will also probably never be the same person that I was the day before he collapsed. And that is okay.
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently, Romans 8:25
Our earthly lives must continue while we wait to be reunited in Heaven with those we love. Not only must they continue, we must find the purpose and the joy in them, while we wait to be reunited. There are seasons that we embrace with excitement. We are about to enter the wondrous adventure of being grandparents. We are both elated and sad. There will always be an Uncle Joshua sized void this side of Heaven. (He would have been such a cool uncle). That’s why grieving parents never “get back to normal” and never stop grieving. There are always new chapters of life that make them wonder how things might have been different.
That’s also why we continue to cling to God. He is continually mending our broken hearts. He is continually sheltering us in His wings. He is continually fighting with us and providing what we need. And while we can’t control what happens on this earth, we can control where we go for eternity. God will redeem every shed tear. He will redeem every missed moment. He will redeem every bit of sadness and heartache for all eternity. His mercies are new every morning!
Eight years out and still learning so much. Most importantly, I’m learning how good and how faithful God is all the time.
With Eyes on the Cross 